From multi-6 figure earning miserable corporate attorney to leader of Empowered Leader of my own empire (do you recognise YOU in this story?)
Brilliant women like you and me we relate to stories. It’s a huge part of how we connect and recognise our people. So in landing on this website, you want to know one thing right – am I in the right place? Have I found my people?
I love sharing stories, the ups and downs, the ebbs and flows and the drama. Love me a bit of drama. It’s absolutely not fun at the time, but afterwards, I think, wow. How courageous am I to have come through that? And I honour myself a little bit more as a result.
Has life thrown you some curve balls? Did you really get to know your true strength as a result? (Feel free to add a comment below and share with me if you're called to.)
The Big Leap
I was scared to death about leaving my soul sucking role as an attorney in my late 20s. I'd studied for 7 years, was several years down the track and on a multi-6 figure salary, and I was dying inside. My life was work, sleep, rinse, repeat. I had no real connection with the outside world, I was living alone, working in my own office and my heart and soul were screaming at me… this is not your calling. This is not meant for you. You have to change this and I knew my life was sapping the life force out of me.
I was earning big money, arguing over the wealths of the mega rich and I didn't care. I didn't care if they got their comeuppance or whether they won or lost another small fortune. I didn't care. There was no meaning, no satisfaction and as hard as it was, as demanding as it was, I was bored and it all felt pointless. There was no amount of money I could throw at my life to compensate for this soul sucking I'm dying slowly here feeling. No amount of travel, no amount of horses and polo and no amount of luxury gave me any salvation.
I knew I needed out. The problem was the fear. Who the heck was I if I wasn't a lawyer, a professional, a "success"? How would I eat, what would I do? Would I end up working in a convenience store? Totally ridiculous thoughts (of course!) but I was so in that life, I was so scared into submission that if I wasn't a professional success I was nothing and could be nothing, I was buying into it. The end of the sentence to "I am" at that time was ... I am a lawyer.
It was my complete identity.
So without that, I had no identity. The fear was real man. And I was drowning and dropping deeper and deeper into a trapped state of depression and feeling powerless (in my perception) to do anything about it that was really going to actually improve my life. All I could see were solutions that had no certainty, plus made me no money...
Enter the knight on a white horse
Then I met "the one". I spotted him across the polo field one Saturday and our eyes locked and I "knew". As a back story on the polo, I fell in love with horses as a child and having read all of the naughty Jilly Cooper books like Riders, Polo, Appasionata (think romantic fiction meets low grade porn/erotica with hunky Argentines, oh and I do recommend Nacho Figueras' new books "The Polo Series" if this kind of reading is your guilty pleasure), I was well hooked on the wild horsey lifestyle and travel.
I got bored as a teenager and learning to play polo was like the ultimate in exhilaration, passion and joy.
The fact that polo is a really hard sport definitely helped the "hook". Definitely not a sport to master and get bored of!
Back to "the one"... that morning I saw him I was quite happy in my grumpy misery consoling myself in my pony, Pica, the light and life of my soul who kept me alive and in the game those years. (Pica is my mirror - wild at heart, never to be tamed and doesn't believe in the word "no" -- it's just a new challenge for him to set his mind to.) And I didn't too much appreciate being woken up from that stupor, but seriously, who the hell was this guy?? What was this connection?! What was I feeling?
It was 6 years ago and I remember that moment like it had just happened. I fell in love with him the first time we spoke. He was everything I had waited my whole life for. Incredibly beautiful, a military helicopter pilot, played polo (my biggest love I'd discovered in my 20s) and loved adventure. Loved to travel, had no interest in a 9-5 life, no interest in the mundane, in the settling, in the struggle and he wanted to move abroad. He was dark and smouldering.
And so god damn beautiful, that definitely warrants repeating. I was transfixed. My white knight had arrived to rescue me from my tower, from my personal hell that was my London life and I was all in. Take me, save me, you lead and I'll follow.
There were some fun and fabulous moments that followed. Conversations when we were just friends with others around where we would stare so deeply into each other's eyes as we spoke, girlfriends would comment "what the heck is going on there?!" I'd smile. He's my one.
You know, to be drowning in misery, to feel so stuck in your life that you could cry, but even crying seeming pointless, well, that is a pretty horrendous place to be. I was for sure depressed. There was no joy in anything.
Getting a text message to look out above my office building in London and then see him skim over the roof of my office in his RAF helicopter is kind of flooring. There is no coming back from that. I was head over heels. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep and it was the most intense, tumultuous head space I'd ever existed in. I had never seen a man so beautiful. When we spoke, when I looked at him, I could cry with this sense that I couldn't describe. It was so uncomfortable and so magical. And like coming home.
Almost too much for my senses to experience, I was close to panic attacks at night, trying to get myself to calm down and let go of this crazy anxiety that was taking over me. He was the most magical being I had ever been in the presence of and I needed it to work out in every part of my being. You know, after much reflection, he was definitely sent for me to shake me awake. Before him, life was dire and desperate and sad, but the fear was so strong and I couldn't make the changes I needed to. I couldn't find the courage.
And then life got very shit
Almost inevitably he left. He went away for a month that Christmas and he never came back into my life. A wonderful full of life man I knew, a dear friend, was paralysed that December in a riding accident. My other pony, the beautiful Canela, was badly injured in an accident, which was on the same day I found out about my friend. It was a freezing winter's night that I cried in an abandoned cold barn on my own for my pony and my friend as I waited for the vet to arrive.
Work had become insurmountably miserable and demanding. We even had a court filing deadline where we had to file an entire case in a 2 billion dollar lawsuit at midnight on New Year's Eve. Oh the joy. And then I got so sick from gastroenteritis that I was hospitalised for a week over Christmas (which got me out of the NYE's deadline, but that was little consolation). Even on medication, I vomited every hour for 5 days straight. The darkness was everywhere. In my body, in my heart and in my soul.
My energy and my life were black. I was on my knees. I didn't know how, I didn't know exactly when, but I knew that this was the year everything changed and I got out. If I was going to survive, if my will to be in the game of life was going to continue with the knocks I had suffered and the loss of "the one", I was going to need to make some significant changes and the fear was just no longer an issue. This was a fight for my life.
I cried and I battled for 6 months. Everything seemed pointless. I rationalised most mornings that on balance, there was nothing to get out of bed for. I was still working so hard, getting called up on my performance by my bosses and struggling to maintain any semblance of being able to hold my life together. I got the reprieve I was looking for that summer when my pony helped my body meet with the stone hard ground mid polo game. The accident was entirely my fault, but it did mean 6 weeks out of my world.. quite simply because I landed on my coccyx when I fell and I couldn't sit down on my butt!
The soul searching was immense and I kept putting off returning to work until I realised -- I couldn't go back without resigning. It was now or now. So that's what I did. I resigned. No plan. Whatsoever. One day I had a multi-6 figure life. The next day I had nothing and I was no one. But one thing I knew for sure. My life was worth more than this. I was meant for more than selling my soul for cash, I was meant for more than being sad and abandoned and broken hearted and I was meant for more than playing life in a safe way according to other people's expectations and rules. I had tried it their way and it sucked. It was time for my turn to call the shots. I was on my way.
Traversing the globe for answers (several times over)
Man did I make up for lost time. I travelled and studied and learnt for the next 4 years. Argentina, the USA, all over Europe, Africa, Thailand, Sri Lanka and Uruguay. (Here are the trips I took in the last 10 years – the search was very real.) I went around the world multiple times. Wherever took my fancy or had a training that called my attention. I was on a mission to find myself, to find why I was called to so much more, to know who I was, and more than anything to try to come to some form of resolution as to why "the one" had showed up and just as soon left. I worked on my mind, my body, my emotions and my spirit.
I healed, I unwound, I breathed, I got space, I was therapied and explored every unconventional modality and offering that there was. I was desperately seeking answers to the big "why" questions. Why was I here? Why am I suffering? Why am I not happy? I met many teachers and mentors that shared their wisdom along the path. I met many others on the same path. It's amazing how many people were so lost too and searching for salvation.
$225,000 investment and 4 years later – and no results – FUCK THIS
And then, after all of that, I realised nothing in my life had actually changed. For all of these experiences, I wasn't healed and I wasn't fixed. I hadn't really discovered my destiny, my "what's next", my truth or any of the answers I'd set out 4 years before to discover. I was still sad, still stuck and still lost. Still stuck. That was a harsh wake up call after so much time and money and energy being poured into myself.
On the eve of me "giving up" and certainly giving up on personal development, I noticed a Facebook ad to attend a workshop. "Discover your genius", "create a life beyond your dreams" etc was the gist. My energy and my heart were so heavy by then but some spark in me knew to go. Some part of me knew to have faith.
It's funny, since then, I've known that only being "on my knees", only at the point of "I cannot live another moment like this, this has to change" has anything ever really shifted in my life. I was informed in my meditations recently that this is because "otherwise you don't listen". A nice little kick in the teeth for my stubbornness!
How do I describe that year? Magnificent, stunning, magical and life altering. My learnings about my genius and creating a life beyond my dreams took place in the wilds of Africa, in the bush, on game reserves, in nature's playground. Lions roaring at night. Monkeys and elephants hanging out at breakfast by day. Awe inspiring beauty was there every step of the way.
I learnt that I had genius, that I was born to be a leader of others, that I was meant for the big stage, I learnt exactly where I was meant to live, who "my man" really was and the details of the book that I was born to write. And I met my soul mate that year too. I learnt how to harness my power as a creator, that there was nothing I needed to fix in me to create any result that my soul was calling on me to have or experience.
It might be entering your mind how I paid for all of this ... contracting as a freelance attorney and decimating my house equity would be the answer. I went all in. I was going to find out what I was meant for and make it happen or die trying. Seriously, I was not settling a second time around. I truthfully wasn't sure I would mentally survive that.
Stepping out into business as the leader I was born to be
And then I stepped into business on my own, as a coach and a leader. Terrifying was the word for it. Jumping off a cliff and learning to fly on the way down. I lived with such high levels of tension that I thought I would vomit every moment of everyday. I hated the stress. Hated it. I knew I loved ease and beauty and grace and this pressure was killing me.
And then as soon as I had success, it all came crashing down around me. My clients were enjoying great success.. and then.. I wasn't enjoying some of my clients. I was bored working over Skype. I was lonely. It was like being an attorney all over again. Uninspiring work, boring and unchallenging. Part of my trainings in Africa had been about developing a deep relationship with intuition and after all of that practice, and development, I still didn't feel confident in my knowingness, in my self, in my choices and in my next steps. I was sky high out in the world in immense uncertainty and I just didn't know how to make any of it better.
I wasn't making the kind of money I wanted to make either. It was good for starting out. But it wasn't anywhere near where I wanted to be. I'd moved to Australia, my "land of plenty" country (my "land of plenty" - my personal utopia of everything my soul is calling me to create in the world), or so I had been informed and I was hating it. My relationship was severely challenged by the move and I was desperate again. Oh no, not here again. Not this space again. Seriously, after all of this, I am here again?!
Divine Intervention and it all turns around – the road to success
And then... and then it all changed. I reached out to an acquaintance who became my new mentor. Immediate issues identified. I was dulling down my voice to be pleasing and acceptable to others. I wasn't being or saying what I wanted to or working in the way I wanted, hence why I was so dissatisfied and bored. I was stifling my fierceness, my heart, my power for fear of my anger slipping out with it and flooring people by being "too much" (those dreaded words I'd heard my whole life).
I had handed over my authority to others and was asking marketing coaches and other mentors to tell me how to be me and to tell me how to make myself a success. For somehow to discover, uncover and deliver me to the world. I believed I couldn't sell my services as who I truly was. That sales were hard. That I wouldn't be wanted. That visibility online wasn't safe.
I was bored by the way I was working but I couldn't trust myself to make it up my own way. And most of all, I was disconnected to source. My relationship with intuition was ungrounded and fanciful and it was leading me astray. I was actually just using it to validate what my ego wanted me to do, following the "safer" and therefore boring path. Pfft. A lot was going on and it wasn't good.
The big aha moment – no teacher, mentor or guide knows better than me what’s best for me
My big aha moment was that I couldn't trust anyone to build this thing for me. I couldn't trust anyone to know better than me. I couldn't trust them because that's not how it works I realised. I had to trust me. I needed "confidence". Trust in my own abilities to know for myself where to go and what to do and very importantly what not to do. Which path to follow in furtherance of "my flow" to my mountain and to my huge vision. And no one could do or was going to do this for me. So I began on my journey to trust myself. To be the authority. To be the one who knows and decides and makes my dreams real in the process.
Just as soon as it had gone down hill so rapidly, I was resurrected and free and powerful once more. It happened in but a blink of the eye. I strengthened my connection with source, I started to listen deeply, I flew through my resistance pipping off one illusionary story after another and a fierce fiery leader emerged from the ashes.
I was re-born. I had learned and accepted my divine calling. I wasn't a generalist coach to whoever fancied signing up to my services. I am a woman on a mission to ignite and spark and inspire your innate leadership.
Abundance follows my truth. I dreamt it, I saw it, I felt it and that was meant for me. It came to me when I stepped up into my highest form of service to others. Sales were effortless. I showed up fiercely as me and they signed up. In my certainty of who I was, in my mission, in my work, they 'saw me' and these clients recognised me as their "one". That's the same for you too btw - you have people who were put on this Earth specifically for you to lead.
I wasn't meant for compromise and bickering in my relationship. I was meant for trusting myself, trusting my voice and being worshipped and worshipping my partner. And life being frigging fun and free and joyous and easy on top of that. Life on my terms.
I wasn't meant for short term work with clients. I was meant for deep diving into their souls, deep diving into the everything and rebirthing a powerful visionary leader with an incredible purpose and message and mission and watching them explode into the life that is calling them (which is a vision much bigger than they can consciously envisage in fact).
Connection to my knowingess is my superpower – it is everything!
What I learnt more than anything? My connection to source was my superpower. And it's yours too. To be able to listen and know with the level of clarity and specificity that was flooding through me was invigorating and drowned me in certainty and confidence. I could trust this stuff. I knew it. I KNEW it. I could trust myself. It's about the mission. It's about the message. It's about your divine appointment, my divine appointment.
And then secondary to that, but right up there, is the whole life, the big life, the freedom, the travel, the global living if that's what calls you, the abundance, the loves and the joys that goes with all that. Because we already know, we already learnt, that money without satisfaction isn't freedom. That's soul sucking. That's not enough for us. There is no feeling of satisfaction, of joy, of freedom, that can in any way be replicated and experienced unless we step up and accept our divine appointment.
Because money is energy. Once it's conquered and there's no challenge it, scrap that, when all motivation coming from pain is gone and when "we're cool", what's next? Where do we go from there? Expansion baby. Soul expansion. How high can we go? How far is the ride? Who knows! But let's keep following the trail of breadcrumbs and see if we can ever reach that limit. My guess is there's only more. Only more growth, more expansion, more fun, more ease, more meaning. Meaning.
Because what is life without meaning? Well, it's empty. And we know it. Without meaning there is no real living. I'm standing in my divine appointment, my meaning. Ready and fiercely willing to serve. To serve you in discovering your mission. To discover your message. To discover the complete big life that supports you and your work and all the fun, satisfaction and meaning that goes with that.
If you're anything like me, that'll look like global living, the ability to travel at will, to hang out with fascinating incredible beings on your path to cheer you along and support you on the ride, writing a best seller, having big love (cue Carrie Bradshaw, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without love."), the sumptuous home and luxury. Luxury in everything, clothes, travel, food and experiences. Unapologetic love of luxury.
There is no room for smallness here. Not in you, not in your life. We go big, and there is no option of going home. We divide and conquer until we arrive. Well that time has arrived.
It's your time now. And I'm ready for you to recognise me as the person who helps rebirth you into your divine leadership, the highest most powerful and free version of you who enjoys all of the love, joy, abundance, radical authenticity, adventure, growth and impact that goes along with you stepping into the shoes you were born to fill.
Nothing in your life is as valuable to you as knowing what is meant for you and what path to pursue for your own bliss. Nothing. Certainty, confidence, love, bliss, fun and real meaningful growth and testing the limits of what is possible for you as an empowered woman are some of the rewards.
So that’s my story. I would LOVE to hear yours!
The summary points:
1. That story is long and quite depressing for a long time, right? I know, I lived it. Horrible. All that “failure” I experienced – do you know want to know how it happened? Literally, the one reason it happened? Check out my pattern here. People talk about our “patterns”, but actually we only have one pattern. Boom to bust as an attorney, failed business ventures and the loss of my “knight on a white horse”, in fact all of the loss and all of the quitting, it all followed that one pattern.
2. Why that one pattern you ask? Because my ego is concerned with one thing and one thing only – BEING IMPRESSIVE so I am not invisible. And therefore safe. How do I be impressive? By taking on massive, impossible projects. When it gets easy and normal, I have to shake shit up and quit for the next challenge. Shit, how dangerous is that?? All that loss from that one agenda.
3. Every client I work with the first thing we do is look at their pattern. Because it is the ONLY reason you’re stuck and hitting brick walls. Formidable leaders and creators MUST KNOW how they fuck stuff up for themselves to experience a different life. NO FORMULA, TEACHING, SELF HELP ETC gets around your pattern when you don’t know what it is. With knowledge of it, you have the opportunity to actually start creating great results and lasting change.
Some questions for you.
In the comments below let us know:
Did you recognise you in my story?
How has your life been similar?
What challenges have you faced and how did you learn to surmount them?
P.S. Have you taken the quiz, How To Be The Woman You Were Born To Be, yet? Who were you born to be and what is stopping you from being that woman today?
Find out in this short quiz, so you can leverage your skills, quit hiding and step into your true leadership role as a woman. You're going to really want to know this information about yourself if you're wanting to live a life as the powerful, happy and loved woman you were born to be!